Voice, where are you sucker?

So I don't know what was up with my writing yesterday, but I felt like my writing "voice" (uh, if I have one) was nowhere to be found...just a clusterfk of imaginings. Things I wanted to say, but not really a flow to them. Which made me cranky. Cranky.

So I do a fair share of blog-looking when I should really be doing my thesis, I guess, but I do get some inspiration from some that I read, so I'll have to link them sometime. One off the top of my head is www.superherodesigns.com I think. And her Community/Links section is good. I guess sometimes I get afraid of living blindly and some of the sites I frequent give me hope...and help me to reflect and come up with new ideas and laugh. Which is important.

My best friend from highschool (one Jennifer Smith) is getting married in September in northern MN. She lives in San Francisco, and I think her choice for the wedding spot is excellent. We've not talked a whole lot in the past several years, and I think because we never really fought as best friends have a weird passive agressive way of presenting our frustration in not being good adult friends. I wonder if this happens to other people, too. I wrote her yesterday, she replied today, and in what has to only be considered a miracle, I actually replied again just about a half an hour ago. This is the quickest reply I've ever had to her in probably 10 years... Here's something I wrote to her today...

"Ok, so I completely know why we were best friends in high school  =)  
Your emails always make me feel good.  Most of the time I view our 
friendship with my tail between my legs, like I've really screwed up 
somehow and lost you forever.  I guess time without correspondance 
and miscommunication will do that, but I usually just feel dumb about 
it.  Very grown up, I know...Anyways, you always give me hope that I 
haven't completely screwed myself out of a great friend, even if we 
aren't "current" I guess in each others lives.  I do want to work to 
improve that throughout our 30s, but like anything that changes for 
the better, I know I'll need to try harder and not just talk about 
writing more...actually do it.  The one thing I want you know know is 
that when I hunker in (usually in the winter, but not just then) it 
isn't just away from you.  I'm not off visiting other friends or 
going out all the time here.  Stephen and I and our friends in Mpls 
are pretty guilty of the same; really we go out with Jeremy Nelson 
every other week and that's our only stable going out time.  So this 
"taking time for friends because you only live once and need to reach 
out" thing... yea, gotta work on it on several fronts. =("

I really started to think about how friendships make the transition into
adulthood several years ago when some of Stephen's friends made the
decision to cut off one of the guys who wasn't really giving anything in
terms of a friendship/relationship anymore, who maybe never had but
was just one of the guys in high school.  It scared the living daylights
out of me.  Not that I thought it was unjust...the guy really didn't
contribute a lot to them I guess and I don't know most of what went on,
but I thought about my relationship with Jen and how I've been so
content about being so passive and not really giving anything.  Just
taking it for granted.  And I didn't want her to hate me or to not want anything
to do with me.  Not that we both haven't been guilty of not writing/calling,
but I guess I take it on the hardest for some reason.  I mean I lived with her
during the summer of 97 and she's been here for me through TWO weddings,
but we lose track of each other's day to day worries,  joys, happenings, etc.
Which sucks plainly spoken.  And it is weird because another good friend
(Heather) and I can pick right back up, but I think that's because we weren't as
close as Jen and I were.  Any thoughts? This happening to anyone else?  Am I
yelling into a deserted forest?  Did I ever tell you that the blog world sometimes
creeps me out?  MS

Happy mother's day!

I must admit, Mother's Day is a little weird for me as a step-mom... Most people envision step-moms in stereotyipcal ways--as the evil Cinderella type, as someone who only has to parent on the weekends, and definitely as secondary to the "real" mom. Are you really a parent??? These things are hard for me. I raise Abbey with all my heart; we have her four nights a week which means I help put her to bed/wake her up/dress her/feed her/love her/help with every whim of hers four days and nights each week. Unlike the stereotypical divorced dad, Stephen has equal custody. No weekends-only or just summertime crap. When Abbey is here, it's full-on parenting.

So today when she said, "You are the best thing in the world, even if I didn't come out of your stomach," it felt pretty sweet =) I got mushy inside, but I get mushy inside a lot with Abbs; she's a cool kid to have.

Parenting as a step parent is definitely different than what I have always envisioned parenting would be like. Even if you get along with the other set of people (which I do) you still have to reconcile your ideas of parenting (How you think it should be done--what is really best for a kid? What are your goals in raising a kid?) with other adults. And I learned the hard way--after a divorce--that people don't always have the same vision of what adulthood should be like...I've come to realize that likewise, people have different visions of raising a child. So I've learned a lot, encountered a lot of stress, and I've learned a ton about myself by being a parent. I believe I've become a better person by helping raise Abagail.

Stephen and I are looking to get pregnant within the next year, and while I'm still a little scared, I am excited, too! I think we are finally ready. I hear from people that there isn't really a good time to get pregnant, but I fully believe that there are better times than others. We've had to be patient before--had to wait at least two years to pay off debt from past marriages before we could buy a house and be financially stable. Had to wait to get a dog before we got that house. Have to wait, I suppose several more years, before we have some extra cash to travel and take Abbey on some memorable trips (you know, actually do Spring Break!) Have to wait, hopefully not forever, before we can get a lake cabin... Had to wait until we felt ready to have a baby, and I think that time has finally come...So my sister lent me five or six baby books. They are a little overwhelming (and I'll take Stephen's advice to not read any of them cover to cover or else I'll become a hypochondriac) but I don't know ANYTHING about pregnancy really (other than take folic acid and, um, practice, practice, practice), so I've been looking at them a little. Got a lot to learn! I started with Abbey when she was just turning five, so I don't have much baby experience =) I'll get there soon enough I guess!

Anyways, one last bit on parenting before I fully give in to having to balance my checkbook (can't procrastinate much longer). The new Vanity Fair has an article on Nicole Richie, who was adopted by Lionel Richie and his wife when she was around 9. Her biological dad played with Lionel and her biological mom was on the road with Prince, so she was left a lot as a baby, toddler, and kid. After I explained this to Stephen and Abbey at supper (Cause everyone needs to know this, right? Yeah, we have great table talk =) Abbey asked if N. Richie's mom loved her. I said that she probably did, but that love in itself isn't enough to raise a child well. Loving her daughter didn't mean that she was being a good parent. Love is definitely the first requirement, but there is a lot more to it than that. I love Abbey with all my heart, but I've learned that it indeed takes much more...including a lot of trial and error...and patience, and heart, and listening, and humor, and on and on and on...to raise a child. I'm sure I'll add "getting up in the middle of the night numerous times" and "changing diapers" to that list sometime here. So looking forward to that =)

Well, that's it for now. Time to face Microsoft Money. Unless I find something else to do before then... Hasta luego... Michelle

life is going better, and my friend, jenny sue, wrote to me =) long live long lost friends... thesis update: i'm on page 73 of chapter 2... almost there. 19 days of school left! almost summer =) here are some photos from last weekend. went to the twins game, and they won! go twins...