Voice, where are you sucker?

So I don't know what was up with my writing yesterday, but I felt like my writing "voice" (uh, if I have one) was nowhere to be found...just a clusterfk of imaginings. Things I wanted to say, but not really a flow to them. Which made me cranky. Cranky.

So I do a fair share of blog-looking when I should really be doing my thesis, I guess, but I do get some inspiration from some that I read, so I'll have to link them sometime. One off the top of my head is www.superherodesigns.com I think. And her Community/Links section is good. I guess sometimes I get afraid of living blindly and some of the sites I frequent give me hope...and help me to reflect and come up with new ideas and laugh. Which is important.

My best friend from highschool (one Jennifer Smith) is getting married in September in northern MN. She lives in San Francisco, and I think her choice for the wedding spot is excellent. We've not talked a whole lot in the past several years, and I think because we never really fought as best friends have a weird passive agressive way of presenting our frustration in not being good adult friends. I wonder if this happens to other people, too. I wrote her yesterday, she replied today, and in what has to only be considered a miracle, I actually replied again just about a half an hour ago. This is the quickest reply I've ever had to her in probably 10 years... Here's something I wrote to her today...

"Ok, so I completely know why we were best friends in high school  =)  
Your emails always make me feel good.  Most of the time I view our 
friendship with my tail between my legs, like I've really screwed up 
somehow and lost you forever.  I guess time without correspondance 
and miscommunication will do that, but I usually just feel dumb about 
it.  Very grown up, I know...Anyways, you always give me hope that I 
haven't completely screwed myself out of a great friend, even if we 
aren't "current" I guess in each others lives.  I do want to work to 
improve that throughout our 30s, but like anything that changes for 
the better, I know I'll need to try harder and not just talk about 
writing more...actually do it.  The one thing I want you know know is 
that when I hunker in (usually in the winter, but not just then) it 
isn't just away from you.  I'm not off visiting other friends or 
going out all the time here.  Stephen and I and our friends in Mpls 
are pretty guilty of the same; really we go out with Jeremy Nelson 
every other week and that's our only stable going out time.  So this 
"taking time for friends because you only live once and need to reach 
out" thing... yea, gotta work on it on several fronts. =("

I really started to think about how friendships make the transition into
adulthood several years ago when some of Stephen's friends made the
decision to cut off one of the guys who wasn't really giving anything in
terms of a friendship/relationship anymore, who maybe never had but
was just one of the guys in high school.  It scared the living daylights
out of me.  Not that I thought it was unjust...the guy really didn't
contribute a lot to them I guess and I don't know most of what went on,
but I thought about my relationship with Jen and how I've been so
content about being so passive and not really giving anything.  Just
taking it for granted.  And I didn't want her to hate me or to not want anything
to do with me.  Not that we both haven't been guilty of not writing/calling,
but I guess I take it on the hardest for some reason.  I mean I lived with her
during the summer of 97 and she's been here for me through TWO weddings,
but we lose track of each other's day to day worries,  joys, happenings, etc.
Which sucks plainly spoken.  And it is weird because another good friend
(Heather) and I can pick right back up, but I think that's because we weren't as
close as Jen and I were.  Any thoughts? This happening to anyone else?  Am I
yelling into a deserted forest?  Did I ever tell you that the blog world sometimes
creeps me out?  MS